On May 18th our family suffered one of the greatest losses we will ever know. After a 6 month fight, Grandma Carter passed away. I know that in time that this will get easier, but for now, I just don't know when. Steve's mom was closer to me than my own mom in so many ways. We talked on the phone almost every day. She shared in the joys and struggles that I had being a mother. She was always the second person I shared things with, only after things were shared with Steve. I called her when I was happy and when I was sad. I called her when each of my children made another milestone in their lives. She was an incredible listener. She was so easy to talk to and cared so deeply for my family.
I sit and think of the injustice it is that I will have to live my life without her. That my children will have to live their lives without her. That the moments that they shared with her up to this point, will likely be forgotten. That they will never get to sit on her lap again and have her read to them. That she will never get to lay in their bed and scratch their back until they have been asleep for longer than she needed to stay. That the love in her eyes will never be seen again.
I know the religious side of death should bring peace, but in times of tragedy, it's not that we forget these things, its just that it seems that our God is an unfair God. That He lets people stay on this earth that are evil, and that one of the most amazing women I will ever know, He took too early. It just doesn't seem fair.
I know that someday there will be peace. I know that someday, I won't miss her every second. That it won't still be a habit to try and pick up the phone to call her. That the memories of seeing her lifeless body will fade and the memories of the wonderful times spent will be easier to recall. But right now, that's not the case. Right now, life sucks. Right now, I want her to see Landon graduate from Kindergarten. I want her to not have missed Greyson's 1st birthday. I want her to answer when I call so I can tell her what new things that the boys are doing. I want her to come and sit on the couch and visit with me for a week straight when Steve is out of town and I am home alone as usual. I want her back. I want life to not be so unfair.
I am grateful she is no longer suffering. I am grateful I know that she lived the kind of life that allowed her to return to Heavenly Father. I just wish that the knowledge of these things made my loss easier. That is made our families loss easier.
2 comments:
I was thinking about you today. I have wanted to call you. We moved last week, were home for a day before we went out of town for the weekend, then home for another day before coming to Cali. We got here last night. Anyway, I have been thinking about you and your loss. I know you were really close with Steve's mom and she seems like an amazing lady. I am so sorry for you and for Steve. I have been thinking about you and keeping you in our prayer's. Love ya!
Allison, I am so sorry for your family's loss. I have been so out of touch with people and I had no idea that Steve's mom passed last month. I know that has to be one of the hardest things to endure and I know that with time you will find peace and not feel so much heartache and pain of losing someone so special. She is definitely in a better place now and I know it doesn't make it any easier for you to not want to see her and talk to her. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Steve and your sweet family. We just love you guys and want you to please let us know if you ever need anything!
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