Family

I decided after a lot of thought that this blog is really for me and I need this post.  So here goes on a post many may never understand.  And to those who know my mother, know this only skims the surface.

Family is a funny thing.  You usually only get one, you can't pick who they are, and sometimes you are so distinctly different it is hard to understand how you survived your youth.  All of these thoughts are fresh as I put my mom on a plane home today.  She came to be here while Steve was gone this week and, as always, it was a long and exhausting week.  She and I have never seen eye to eye.  We don't have anything in common.  And I (although I know it is childish) still have a hard time being 2nd best.  I love her, she is my mother.  I appreciate that she raised me to the best of her ability, but our relationship is stressful.  She lacks many of the things that I feel a mother is there to provide.  

Growing up we rely on our parents to teach us the most important things in life.  Some of those things change our entire lives.  One that strikes me as unusual is the effort she put in to raising me in the LDS church that she no longer attends, except on an occasional basis.  What would my life be like if she had not wanted for me to be a good kid.  I don't believe it was about Christ or eternal families, but about the word of wisdom, that if followed should make me a good kid. Without the teaching of the gospel and what it was REALLY about, I strayed from the church, but I am grateful to have found Steve that got me back on track.  So many other things have changed since I left home and married over 10 years ago, but I still wish that I was closer with my family.  I still do not know if my mother ever had a testimony, or if she has ever tried to understand what the gospel is really about.  She gives no reasons for her lack of interest in it and feels most of the teachings are "optional".  She actually never answers any question that would spur a meaningful or heart felt conversation.  That is weird, right?

I have always been envious of large families that are close, that have family reunions, that have siblings or parents you can call when you really need someone to talk to.  I know that no family is perfect, but as a reflection of my week with my mom, and the absence of a relationship that I feel with my family, I pray that I can teach my children the importance of family, of being there for each other, and of being true.  True to yourself, true to your family, true to your friends and just being true to what you want out of life. 

I have never had that open relationship with my mom, my sister or my dad, but I am grateful that I have had my mother-in-law that has been a good listening ear over the last few years.  I hope I can be the mother I wish I had.  Tonight I wish for a little girl that I can teach about all the things I never learned growing up. I want to sit in her bed at night and let her cry over a broken heart, I want to tell her how she will change when she hits puberty, I want to tell her about sex before she learns it from her friends, I want her to know that while I am her mother, I am her confidante, too.   

Ask me tomorrow, and I will probably want a boy because what if I had a daughter that felt the way I feel about my mother...

p.s. Thank heaven for private blogs that families never have to know about!